My dear Paul, I have realised that this is a real journal of my life without you. I so find solace writing what I need to write whenever needed and how glad I am I can. It is so comforting to reflect on my emotions and how I feel with the moment and then look back later... 3 months today to accept the dreaded news, I do wonder how long I will hold the date of the 21st in my heart?? It is still such early days that you have gone my beautiful brother and friend I so wish I did not have to deal with the longing of having you here to speak to still so unreal you are not here, I will hold onto the thought that you are here now and always, Mum & Dad are so lost, I know there lives will never be the same as mine & Gary's but how to carry on for them is so raw, Paul I so wish I could hold you, love you and live your moments, I wish I was not in the 'club' of losing someone meaningful OMG I so wish, shine down my dear brother shine down xxxxx